Tom Remington

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I got an email this morning from Gary Inman from Maine and he said the winter was so long this year that he might need a jump start for his car, pictured below.

Tom Remington

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As if any of us ever questioned that the fictional character, Forrest Gump, thought a bit unconventionally, wait until he meets up with St. Peter.

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, “Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”

Forrest responds, “It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.”

St. Peter continued, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God’s first name?”

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”

Forrest replied, “Well, the first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter ‘T’? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.”

The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, “Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?” asked St. Peter.

“How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,” replied Forrest, “But I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter said, “Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

Forrest replied, “Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…”

“Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind….but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?”

“Sure,” Forrest replied, “It’s Andy.”

“Andy?” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”

“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learnt it in church from the song, ‘ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.’”

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and yelled: “Run Forrest, run.”

Thanks, Bruce!

Tom Remington

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This beauty showed up in my inbox this morning!

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government,” says Bud.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows…this is a Herd of sheep. . .

Now give me back my dog.

Posted by Tom Remington

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On Thursday I posted a picture for readers to guess what it was. If you haven’t taken the chance to wager a guess, now is the chance to do that. In the process of gathering comments from readers, one of my faithful reminded me that I hadn’t revealed the previous “Whatzit” picture. That picture is below and this link will take you back to the original post so you can read all the comments about it.

So, what is it? As a reminder, this photo was sent to me by Gary Inman in Maine. Gary is a surveyor and needless to say he covers a lot of territory. Gary says the picture was taken in back of an old barn in Newry, Maine and the “thing” was taken from an old barn. He says it is actually the remains of a “six-holer”.

He was also eager to point out that he didn’t investigate closely enough to determine which hole got the most use.

Thank you Gary.

Tom Remington

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“And it’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy toward people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.” Those were the words spoken by democratic presidential candidate Barack Hussein Obama just prior to the Pennsylvania primary.

These words bothered me quite a bit, at least enough that I responded to Mr. Obama’s comments and so I went out in search of some of America’s so-called “bitter” people - those clinging to their guns and religion. Over the weekend, I was fortunate enough to locate an all-American family reunion, a family that probably Obama was envisioning when he made his elitist remarks.

This is a photograph of the men leaders of the Hatstat family. They asked that I not reveal their exact location out of fear that the not so bitter people will try and come take their land and their rights away from them.

The elder leader of the Hatstat family is Jedediah Hatstat. He’s a bit difficult to see. He is the one on the left in the front of the group, kneeling in prayer. Obviously a bitter, bitter man who has clung to religion and prayer for many years.

Second eldest is Samuel Hatstat, also not highly visible but he is the one in the middle with a very firm grip on his hunting rifle. No explanation is needed for that I guess.

I would surmise that because the Hatstats live away from the center of politics and well, where the “informed” are, they really didn’t seem all that bitter to me. As a matter of fact they were quite happy, especially on this day being it was a family celebration and all. (notice a couple of moonshine jugs being passed around while the dogs played at their feet.

These are great people with a lot of love and respect for all Americans. Jedediah says he prays several times a day that God would protect them from the “city people” who seem determined to destroy their life and snatch away their freedoms.

Third man from the right is Jeremiah Hatstat, the self-proclaimed flower child of the family, having once visited Berkley, California. I asked him what he thought of Barack Obama and the message he was sending to the American people and his response was a bit surprising.

“Who’s Barack Obama?”

Tom Remington

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Once again being that it is an election year, need any of us be reminded of how clear, precise and intelligent the politicians can appear?

Tom Remington

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Reader Bion sent this dandy this morning which is fitting and worth a “snicker” or two.

Tom Remington

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Or is it just an election year?

Tom Remington

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Hunting with “Crazy Jim” is a new video blog site. Check this out!

Tom Remington

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Tom Remington

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This is exclusive breaking news!!!

I just received word from Ron Fournier and Gary Inman, outdoor enthusiasts of questionable integrity, burdened with knowledge of the wilds and at times way too much time on their hands. It seems that in their search efforts to locate spring in Maine and bestow it on the rest of the residents of that fine state, they have yet to locate one solitary Mud Runt.

Mud Runts are as important to Maine life as Punxatawny Phil is to Pennsylvania and the rest of America to know when spring is coming. While Ron and Gary are Maine’s leading experts on Mud Runts (arguable), knowing perhaps the very few locations of Mud Runt habitat, it appears that the snow is so deep and hard that even the Mud Runt, with the “alligator-type” teeth, has yet to be able to gnaw its way through the ice and snow.

What this actually means for the residents of Maine is unclear. This is the first time in Ron and Gary’s life they have experienced this kind of natural phenomenon and they appear deeply concerned. There are unconfirmed rumors that back in 1906 the Mud Runts never appeared before July 1 and perhaps not coincidentally all male fishermen grew long beards overnight, had a strong craving for earthworms and couldn’t stop of nervous twitch closely mimicking a cast and retrieve motion.

Stay tuned for continuous updates and we will bring you news of the first sighting of the Albany Mud Runt. In the meantime, I hope you will enjoy the rare photograph taken last spring. Ron reports that when this picture was taken, it was the absolute first time the Mud Runt came out of winter hiding.

Tom Remington

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Thanks, Judy!

Tom Remington

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Reader Richard sent this link along that everyone will find entertaining and and amusing of black bears and grizzly bears rubbing trees in Glacier National Park - all set to some funky, get down and boogie, music. Check it out!

Tom Remington

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On the sixth day, God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: “Today I am going to create a land called Maine. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall, abundant mountains full of pine trees and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of deer and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon”. God continued, “I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Mainers, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.”

“But Lord,” asked Gabriel, “don’t you think you are being too generous to these Mainers?”

“Not really,” replied God, “just wait and see the winters I am going to give them.”

Posted by Tom Remington

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